April 19th, 2011
There are a lot of people I'm starting to regret not making an effort to spend more time around before I came out here.
I'm a bit stressed about not knowing what I'm doing. That's part of the whole thing - trying to let go of the path and find the one I want to be on, but it's hard. I am irresponsible, not spontaneous. Things done on a whim are generally the result of lack of planning.
I am trying to figure out what to do with the current level of anxiety. Maybe I'll go skating.
I know this time of the year is rough, and I know it's more rough this year because I am away from the familiar. Therapist and I talked about some of this last year - recurring themes bringing up old issues. My brother's death is tied in with a lot of mixed emotions and issues around abandonment and being alone and responsibility and family et al ad infinitum, so it makes sense that being so far from home would amplify the depression that tends to surround this time.
Knowing why the emotions are doing what they are doing does not make me less annoyed that they exist, however, or even necessarily better able to deal with them.
I've been a bit whiny lately, and there's a lot that's really annoying and stressful - job issues, apartment issues, health issues (I hate it, STILL NO FRIDGE, wisdom teeth) - but I'm starting to feel a little established, I have routines and things to do and people. Maybe eventually it will be warm and I can do more things outside. Pretty pretty outside.
And look, I have a garden:
There are a lot of people I'm starting to regret not making an effort… - rebel without a skirt
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Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak,
then am I strong. (2 Corinthians 12:8-10)