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(no subject)

There are a lot of people I'm starting to regret not making an effort to spend more time around before I came out here.

I'm a bit stressed about not knowing what I'm doing. That's part of the whole thing - trying to let go of the path and find the one I want to be on, but it's hard. I am irresponsible, not spontaneous. Things done on a whim are generally the result of lack of planning.

I am trying to figure out what to do with the current level of anxiety. Maybe I'll go skating.

I know this time of the year is rough, and I know it's more rough this year because I am away from the familiar. Therapist and I talked about some of this last year - recurring themes bringing up old issues. My brother's death is tied in with a lot of mixed emotions and issues around abandonment and being alone and responsibility and family et al ad infinitum, so it makes sense that being so far from home would amplify the depression that tends to surround this time.

Knowing why the emotions are doing what they are doing does not make me less annoyed that they exist, however, or even necessarily better able to deal with them.

I've been a bit whiny lately, and there's a lot that's really annoying and stressful - job issues, apartment issues, health issues (I hate it, STILL NO FRIDGE, wisdom teeth) - but I'm starting to feel a little established, I have routines and things to do and people. Maybe eventually it will be warm and I can do more things outside. Pretty pretty outside.

And look, I have a garden:

ducks - continuity of

(no subject)

Back to working on the person I want to be. I would really like to be organized, but I'm not sure how likely that is to happen. Keep trying?

I'm planning a trip to Ikea soooon. After I figure out my budget and do my taxes.

Part of the problem I'm running into right now is the question of whether I have moved out here - that is, semi-permanent until a better idea comes along - or whether I'm just living out here for awhile.

I don't know. And it affects how I plan things. Do I assume moving and work toward an adult place - curtains, decent bed things, furniture? Plans to get *my things* which I miss? Or do I assume it is temporary and not accumulate things? Things like jars to organize the pantry, or canning supplies, or fabric and a sewing machine - which are essential to part of the 'who I want to be.' I can be rid of some of the things back in storage, but some of them would make me very, very happy to not re-purchase.

The problem with the idea of moving permanently, though, is how much I miss the people I've left in NC. It hurts to think about not living there. Life is far too short.

Thank you for the comments - I'm sorry for not replying, but they mean a lot to me every time I get one. And I may get around to replying when the current unidentifiable anxiety calms down.
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Picture is unrelated.

I've been trying to work through some of why I've been down lately, and also trying to address the things I know I should be doing, but haven't. I can manage my moods without meds, but it requires me to watch what I eat, make sure I get enough sleep, pay attention to how much energy I'm putting into socializing and not overdo the crowds (or, alternately, hide under my blankets for days), and be sure to do something active or productive, even if it is small. I know that too much sugar makes me prone to panic attacks and that it's easy to slip into old habits of thought simply because I didn't pack a decent lunch for work.

I'm finally sorting out some of the 'homesick but not done yet' feelings. Mostly, I've been trying to figure out what I mean by 'not done yet.' I totally moved out here not entirely sure why I felt a need to do it. I mean, I had reasons, and can easily list some of them, but most of it was a simple feeling of needing to do something like this.

Something that has always been very strong with me is the idea of "The Way Things Should Work." I generally do not know what I want. This is a problem from the very simple ("What do you want to do for dinner," anyone?) to the more complex. It is also tied into my tendency to react as opposed to act. I've never had real agency in my life in any meaningful way that I've actually used.

The thing I moved out here to do, apparently, is discover what I actually want. To make choices for myself and actively shape my life, to find my agency and actually make my own damn decisions instead of relying on someone else to make them for me.
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(no subject)

Speak to me of costuming...

Primarily, I'm considering actually putting together something for Norwescon, but... I have no idea what I am doing.

I still need garb for sca, too, but it makes me grumpy when all I want is stuff in storage that I already own.
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(no subject)

"In a perfect world, you could fuck people without giving them a piece of your heart. And every glittering kiss and every touch of flesh is another shard of heart you’ll never see again."

Neil Gaiman (Fragile Things)
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(no subject)

Drunk LJ, woo!

I am doing that thing with the drinking because stuff hurts. I feel kinda like a booble head. I am also a light weight. This is my second drink and I'm about to fall over.

There are seeds in my bed. I have a 'no food in bed' rule, but somehow I ended up eating an entire bread thing with hummus in the bed. Might have to do with the rum. I need to wash the sheets anyway, I guess. I hate coin operated laundry.

So I am still me, and me is still weird with many issues. My therapist was fussing at the last visit that I didn't tell her enough things. I thought I told her many things. But all the things is a different problem all together. Maybe I should have gone in drunk one day, but with work that might have been tricky.

I am thinking I should find a therapist out here at some point, especially if the job is going to trigger the anxiety like this. Life looked really awesomely full of potential a week or so ago. Today, not so much. I am annoyed. Pissed, actually. Things looked entertaining and some disneyish ideas of life have threatened my amusement. Also, I am tired of job interviews and my current job and if I didn't like running water so much I would just bike to Spain. Or somewhere on this continent. I don't know where Spain came from so I'm going to blame the rum. I am fairly certain the ocean would cause problems, so maybe I could just bike to SFO.

Ugh, airport codes have infiltrated my brain. I also use iata codes for airlines, even in my thinking. I never thought I'd say this, but can the weekend be over so I can go back to work and think about something else for awhile?